KUALA LUMPUR - Prime Minister Ahmad Abdullah Badawi declared at a conference yesterday that the price of petrol will go up by a trifling amount of only 78 cents per liter, effective today, which is far below the 87 gazillion cents predicted by world economy experts whose research was based on casually flipping the channel to BBC and glancing at the news briefly before turning the channel to Astro RIA to watch a rerun of Akademi Fantasia. This makes the current price of each liter of petrol RM2.70 more than a reasonably sane man can afford.

“Due to our administration’s superior governing skills, all Malaysian motorists can enjoy the very, very, very low oil price hike,” said Abdullah, who came to the conference in a petrol-guzzling limousine. “Now, everyone can afford to drive half-way to work every morning before getting out of their cars and pushing them the rest of the way.”

According to local financial think tanks whose opinions are most probably swayed due to their government employment, the world has experienced an increase in the price of natural gas yesterday, and while other countries such as China, Australia, The United States, and European countries have suffered severe price hikes of up to US$Arm-and-Leg per liter, the wise and highly-capable leaders of Barisan National initially succeeded in bringing down the price to just a 10 cent rise, but then they raised it up to 78 cents because the government needs the extra 68 cents to fund the next useless multi-billion dollar project.

“That’s a very nice move there,” said Domestic Trade Minister Shahrir Samad. “It’s this sort of thing that makes me glad that I voted for Barisan National in the last election. Now, if you will excuse me, I must return to my busy schedule of being totally insane.”

Malaysians have generally responded well to this small and unimportant price hike on one of the most crucial commodities to a developing country. “I used to have trouble making up excuses to not go to work,” said Zulkifli Taib, 29 and working in a private firm, “but now I can just say to my boss that in most days I can’t even afford to drive all the way to the nearest gas station, let alone my own office building.”

Shazmin, 23, says, “It used to be that after I subtracted all my monthly expenses from my salary, I’d still have about RM200 left, and without anything else to spend the remainder on, I was forced to keep it all in my bank account. But now that petrol is more costly, I’ve finally found a way to waste all that money. Thank you Pak Lah!”

Malaysian heavy industries, however, have taken this recent hike as a golden opportunity. For example, PERODUA is in the concept stage of developing a small, light-weight, engine-less car that has a large hole beneath the driver seat. This is so that the driver can stretch his legs out and power the vehicle’s mobility using the driver’s own legs, a brilliant concept that was born out of the brilliant mind of one of the model engineers while he was relaxing at his home on a Saturday morning watching a Hanna-Barbara cartoon about a family living in the Stone-Age. PERODUA representatives revealed that this new revolutionary line of cars will be available in dealerships in time for when the price of petrol reaches RM4.00 per liter.

-BERNAMA