GERMANY – Scientists from all over the world gathered at the Zas Wilch International University of Modern Sciences yesterday to discuss the taxonomy of the world’s all-time favourite superhero, Superman. So far, it is largely accepted that Superman’s taxonomic classification is either ‘Bird’ or ‘Plane’, the choice between the two being a complicated topic that has been lingering in the scientific community for years.

“According to my long years of research in a myriad of avian species, I very much believe that Superman can safely be dropped in the ‘Bird’ box,” said Professor Ivan McSweeney, while pointing at a video footage of Superman flying through the blue skies of Metropolis. “See that red cape flapping in the wind? It’s movements appear to be similar to the wing movements of the South Brazillian Flying Cockatee.”

“I have to disagree on the ‘Bird’ hypothesis,” said Carl Limburgher, world-reknowned avionics engineer. “Superman looks nothing like a bird, unless you squint really, really hard. Seriously, the way his cape reacts to wind pressure as he flies in the air proves that he is more of a ‘Plane’ rather than a ‘Bird’.

Scientific opinion seems to fall evenly between the two ideas, with some claiming that The Man of Steel is both ‘Bird’ and ‘Plane’.

“I feel that there is no need to categorize Superman in any one of the two classes,” said Professor Beardy Tartakovsky. “Is it too much to accept that he might just be both ‘Bird’ and ‘Plane’?”

“Superman may have a lot of superpowers such as super-strength and heat vision, but being two things at once certainly isn’t one of them,” said Professor Ivan McSweeny. “Remember Schroeder’s Cat? This is the same thing.”

Despite ‘Bird’ or ‘Plane’ being the two most prominent hypotheses, there are several wild theories that attemp to explain Superman’s true class as a species. For example, one theory states that Superman is actually a Kryptonian, since he was born in the ill-fated planet Krypton before he landed on Earth. Most scientists seem to disregard this idea however, believing that such a fanciful theory is stepping out of the bounds of the scientific method and into the realm of pseudoscience.

“Superman, an extraterrestrial?Are we going to believe in alien UFO mumbo jumbo now? Zheeeesh,” commented Professor Chang Long Wang.

Finally, Professor Charlston McNamara, a renowned figure in the scientific community, had this to say: “Maybe, just maybe, Superman is neither a bird nor a plane, and that he is simply Superman.”

- AP