KUALA LUMPUR - In order to achieve the targeted nett profit of RM880 million at the end of the year, Malaysian Air System Bhd. plans on installing hyperspace technology on all of their commercial jet airliners. With this newfound technology, passengers can fly from Malaysia to London in just 8 seconds instead of 8 hours.

“I feel that ‘fly’ isn’t exactly the correct term for it,” said Tan Sri Muhamad Munir Abdul Majid, chairman of Malaysia Airlines. “You see, by applying recently discovered laws in quantum physics, we can actually connect two points in the space-time continuum through a worm tunnel by folding reality itself, or at least that’s how I understood it when the technicians explained to me while they were installing hyperspace cores inside our Boeing 747s. My point is, it’s more like ‘alternate-reality shift’ instead of ‘fly’.

Furthermore, he added that passengers will not only be able to travel from one destination to another, they will be able to choose at which point in the time stream they will be arriving. For instance, a man in Johore Bahru who inadvertently missed an important meeting in Japan a day ago can be scheduled to arrive at the Tokyo International Airport safely within two hours before the meeting even started.

“The possibilities are endless,” expressed the chairman as he made a gesture of holding his palms close before pulling them apart from each other to represent endless possibilities.

Despite all the new and enticing services that will be available through the use of hyperspace technology, some questioned if such a technology is stable enough to be used commercially.

“Modern-day reality-altering technologies are too risky and unpredictable,” commented Dr. Cha Os Theo Ry, a respected professor from NASA. “One moment the hole takes you to your scheduled destination at LAX, and another moment it transports you to a parallel dimension inhabited by cosmic space beasts.”

Dr. Cha then explained an incident that happened more than two decades ago involving early experiments in hyperspace technology. “There was once a privately-funded top secret project that operated in a top-secret lab on a remote island, and they were conducting tests on opening portals by violently tearing the very fabric of reality. The project went for weeks until one day the entire island – and by ‘entire island’, I mean the whole land mass – disappeared from the face of the earth, just like that.

When asked about the possible destination of the hyperspace lab after it phased out of existence, Dr. Cha said that the last distress signal that was sent from that place contained distorted cries of human suffering mixed with creepy howling noises that turned out to be hidden satanic verses when the recording was played backwards.

“I’ve got a bad feeling about this,” said Dr. Cha, “but as usual, Malaysia Boleh!”

-BERNAMA