BEVERLY HILLS - Area hunk, Rick Astley, has sworn that he will ‘never gonna give you up, let you down, run around, and desert you’, the ‘you’ possibly referring to his anonymous female love interest.

“Her and me, we’re no strangers to love, and we both know the rules,” said Astley while awkwardly swaying his body left to right and slowly swinging his hands in random directions, as if trying to imitate some poor dance routine. “A full commitment’s what I’m thinking of, and you wouldn’t get that from too many guys.”

Reporters met him the first time at a parking lot during the later part of morning, and he was wearing a blue long sleeve shirt with huge shades when they interviewed him. “I just want to tell y’all how I’m feeling,” said Astley, trying to make the reporters understand.

“The’ve known each other for very long,” said a local bartender, who happens to be Astley’s close friend. “Her heart’s been aching for Astley, and all this long she’s been too shy to admit it. It’s great that both of them have realized what’s going on, and that they’re finally gonna play the game.” Promptly after giving his comment, the bartender spun around three times and continued to do a number of fantastic acrobatic feats while two female dancers danced on the bar stage to some sort of 80s song.

Reporters met Astley a second time later that night at the poolside of his house, and he was wearing a black shirt over a large white overcoat. When reporters asked Astley on how he was currently feeling about the relationship, he only replied “don’t tell me you’re too blind to see.”

A pair of his friends, male and female, was also at the poolside. Reporters tried to interview them, but they were busy engaging in some sort of gay interpretive dancing. The bartender friend was also there, wearing very tight short shorts, and he was back-flipping all over the place.

Before reporters left, Astley added that he will also ‘never gonna make you cry, say goodbye, tell a lie, and hurt you,” the ‘you’ again possibly referring to his anonymous female love interest.

KUALA LUMPUR - A recent research conducted by The Institute of Tun Dr. Mahathir Mohamad’s Thinking revealed that the former Prime Minister of Malaysia possesses a 12th level intelligence, the highest degree of intellect that far surpasses any mortal being.

In comparison, an average chimpanzee has an intelligence level of 2, while great minds such as Stephen Hawking, Einstein, and Tesla are within the level 8 league. An average human is around 5.

“This revelation totally blew us away,” said Said Shahri, one of the members tasked with conducting the important research. “We had professors who came all the way from New Zealand just to examine an exact virtual model of Mahathir’s incredible brain. It took only a few minutes of observation before they came to doubt if Mahathir was ever human.”

“Yes, it is true that I have superhuman intelligence,” admitted Dr. Mahathir, who is now known as Mahathir Prime, who communicated with our reporters using high-level telepathy. “And I must admit that all of my actions during the 20 years of my term as Prime Minister were meant to steer Malaysians into the next evolutionary state of consciousness, thus creating a society comprised of meta-humans. Evidently though, I’ve discovered that you can’t turn monkeys into Da Vincis in one fifths of a century.”

It is widely believed that this is the very reason he left Barisan National only recently. The small and shallow mindset of the party must have been too constricting for his unimaginably vast understanding of the universe. “I had visions, VISIONS I tell you, that would have taken Malaysia to the next evolutionary step,” clarified Mahathir Prime, “but the neanderthals down at the hall of Barisan National were holding me back. The consequence? Oil-prices went up, ministers caught in sex tapes, mongolian women being blown up to bits, 8-year-old girls going missing every month, and Akademi Fantasia still getting air time.”

One reporter from another news agency questioned him about the infamous allegations of rigging judiciary appointments to his favor. Mahathir Prime disapprovingly stared deep into the reporter’s eyes, petrifying him for a brief moment before he dropped on all fours and started to make goat sounds. “Puny mortals such as him do not deserve to have human intelligence,” remarked Mahathir Prime as the brainwashed reporter ran out of the conference hall and shat into a flower pot right next to the elevator.

If this is true, then it explains how a third-world nation such as Malaysia rose from its humble roots as a backwater third-world country that nobody cares about to a modernized, developing country that still nobody cares about. It was Mahathir Prime’s 20 years of unparalleled leadership that transformed this nation from being completely unrecognized by the world into a nation that is at least vaguely recognizable and is often related by foreigners as ‘the large country just north of Singapore.’

According to The Institute’s Chairman, Professor Ivy Tan, Mahathir Prime has proven the sheer awesomeness of his intelligence in more than one occasion. “His mind is so powerful, he once shot his own brainwaves back in time and right into the late Tunku Abdul Rahman’s mind, bestowing him the idea of an independent nation in the first place.”

“During the Asian financial crisis of 1997,” added Professor Ivy Tan, “he almost strained his brain just to hold down the market inflation by sheer telekinesis alone.” Our reporters tried to confirm with Mahathir Prime on whether or not he really did accomplish those feats, but our questions were unheeded; our primitive human voice must have sounded like growling animal sounds to his vastly superior consciousness.

Despite his 12th level intellect, Mahathir Prime is a few points short of beating Lee Kuan Yew, the former Prime Minister of Singapore who currently possesses a 13th level Ultra-mind.

DE_DUST - A counter-terrorist team has successfully brought down a group of terrorists after 5 minutes of violent gunfight in the middle-eastern ruins of De_Dust. It was believed that the terrorists were planning to plant a bomb at a secluded section of the area which was filled with unimportant-looking crates and boxes; the reason for this is still unknown. The terrorists comprised of five members; each wearing different attire representing 5 different terrorist cells from across the globe.

“It was a close call,” quoted Sergeant Sh4aRp_Sh00ta, the commanding officer of the counter-terrorist team, “when Lieutenant S3xorz shot the last terrorist in the head from behind a brick wall, the bomb was already planted and was at 60 seconds and counting. Luckily, Private D3agle had the foresight to buy a bomb defusing kit and managed to disarm the bomb at the last second.”

Ahmed 3leCtrofvnk, one of the terrorists who survived the confrontation and is now held in custody, disapproved of the counter-terrorist team’s method of attack. “They were all AWP sniper whores, and I’m pretty sure that one of the infidel cowards was using wall-hack technology.” Furthermore, there have been unconfirmed reports that some of the counter-terrorist members were camping, a tactic that is frowned upon by military bodies the world over and is banned by the United Server Admins Council.

Despite of the counter-terrorist team’s questionable acts, it is unanimously believed that the terrorists lost the battle because they were all a bunch of n00bs. “There was this one terrorist guy who tried to engage me in a frontal assault using merely his combat knife, while I was clearly holding an M4 Carbine,” commented the Sergeant on the terrorist team’s lack of skillz. “Another team member told me that one of the terrorists tried to throw a HE grenade at him, only to have it bounce off a wall and right back at the terrorist, taking himself out.

However, the n00bness does not fall squarely on the terrorists, as the Sergeant revealed that his counter-terrorist team had one black sheep. “We had this ‘tard early in who kept throwing flash-bang grenades at our faces. Later, he repeatedly shot his other team mates while calling them ‘FAGS’ out loud. He was acting like a real a dick.” There is no need for worry however, for the rogue individual’s misconduct has already been reported to the proper authorities and has earned him a permanent ban from the United Server Admins Council.

“We’ve won the battle, but we’ve still got the rest of the war to fight,” said the anxious Sergeant. “Next week we’re going to De_Aztec, an archeological ruin site in a South American jungle. We received a tip that terrorists are going to blow up a section of the area filled with unimportant crates there, the same as it was here.” When asked of their plans on the imminent attack, the counter-terrorist team explained that instead of taking pre-emptive measures such as red taping the whole place or conduct raids raiding the terrorist camp first, they will engage the terrorist the very second they arrive at De_Aztec, and both the terrorist and the counter-terrorist teams will start on zones furthest from each other where they will spend about five seconds buying weapons and equipment before the fight starts.

Finally, the Sergeant was quoted as saying: “Counter-terrorists win.”

- Reuters

GULMIRA - The peaceful people of the middle-eastern village of Gulmira were saved from being massacred by a well known terrorist group yesterday when an unknown individual appeared from out of nowhere clad in a hi-tech suit of armor and promptly ended the bloody conflict by neutralizing the terrorists.

“We have no idea who that guy was,” quoted a high-ranking US Army officer who wishes to be anonymous. “But we really owe him for this one. Gulmira was way out of our jurisdiction, so our forces can’t do squat about the terrorist conflict. I guess that guy in the suit knew about this and did the business for us.”

When interviewed, the villagers described the mysterious vigilante as ‘an angel who descended from the heavens in a red-and-gold scheme suit of armor.’ The suit was reportedly highly resistant to ballistic damage and was equipped with hi-tech weaponry, as witnesses claimed that the vigilante dispatched the terrorists using what appeared to be ‘energy bursts’ that came right out of the vigilante’s palms. According to eye-witness accounts, other armaments include a small missile that was launched from his suit’s forearm that took out a terrorist tank, and two shoulder-mounted cannons that were used in a hostage situation.

After the last of the subdued terrorists was handed to the local residents, the vigilante flew away on what eye-witnesses described as rocket-powered boots. “When I grow up, I want to be just like that nice man in the cool armor,” quoted Ahmed, age 9, who lost his both his parents in the conflict.

When pressed for details, Tony Stark, chairman of Stark Enterprises, the worlds largest developer of hi-tech weaponry, had this to say: “On behalf of Stark Enterprises and Associates, I would like to declare that we have no knowledge and connection with this ‘Iron Man’ character. However, personally, I would like to say that whoever it was flying in that shiny suit was a pretty nice guy, and a charming one to boot.”

In unrelated news, there have been unconfirmed sightings of a large, green humanoid creature wreaking havoc in several areas within New Mexico. General Thaddeus Ross of the U.S. army was unable for comment.

- AP

GERMANY – Scientists from all over the world gathered at the Zas Wilch International University of Modern Sciences yesterday to discuss the taxonomy of the world’s all-time favourite superhero, Superman. So far, it is largely accepted that Superman’s taxonomic classification is either ‘Bird’ or ‘Plane’, the choice between the two being a complicated topic that has been lingering in the scientific community for years.

“According to my long years of research in a myriad of avian species, I very much believe that Superman can safely be dropped in the ‘Bird’ box,” said Professor Ivan McSweeney, while pointing at a video footage of Superman flying through the blue skies of Metropolis. “See that red cape flapping in the wind? It’s movements appear to be similar to the wing movements of the South Brazillian Flying Cockatee.”

“I have to disagree on the ‘Bird’ hypothesis,” said Carl Limburgher, world-reknowned avionics engineer. “Superman looks nothing like a bird, unless you squint really, really hard. Seriously, the way his cape reacts to wind pressure as he flies in the air proves that he is more of a ‘Plane’ rather than a ‘Bird’.

Scientific opinion seems to fall evenly between the two ideas, with some claiming that The Man of Steel is both ‘Bird’ and ‘Plane’.

“I feel that there is no need to categorize Superman in any one of the two classes,” said Professor Beardy Tartakovsky. “Is it too much to accept that he might just be both ‘Bird’ and ‘Plane’?”

“Superman may have a lot of superpowers such as super-strength and heat vision, but being two things at once certainly isn’t one of them,” said Professor Ivan McSweeny. “Remember Schroeder’s Cat? This is the same thing.”

Despite ‘Bird’ or ‘Plane’ being the two most prominent hypotheses, there are several wild theories that attemp to explain Superman’s true class as a species. For example, one theory states that Superman is actually a Kryptonian, since he was born in the ill-fated planet Krypton before he landed on Earth. Most scientists seem to disregard this idea however, believing that such a fanciful theory is stepping out of the bounds of the scientific method and into the realm of pseudoscience.

“Superman, an extraterrestrial?Are we going to believe in alien UFO mumbo jumbo now? Zheeeesh,” commented Professor Chang Long Wang.

Finally, Professor Charlston McNamara, a renowned figure in the scientific community, had this to say: “Maybe, just maybe, Superman is neither a bird nor a plane, and that he is simply Superman.”

- AP