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Asal-usul Sebenar Perkataan Insaf


Jika ditanya sesiapa sahaja Melayu-muslim di negara kita ini, mestilah mereka mengenal akan definisi 'insaf'. Untuk golongan yang kurang mengetahui, 'insaf' itu dengan mudahnya adalah menyedari sesuatu kesilapan yang telah dilakukan, dan seboleh-bolehnya berusaha untuk tidak mengulangi kesilapan itu. Contoh-contoh penggunaan 'insaf' adalah:

"Sebelum ini aku seorang kaki botol, kaki judi, dan kaki perempuan. Tetapi setelah aku hilang semua harta dan keluarga dan terpaksa hidup di kaki lima, barulah aku berasa insaf."

"Dulu masa aku kerje di CIMB, aku selalu pecah amanah. Setelah aku ditangkap dan dijatuhkan hukuman penjara 5 tahun berserta denda RM50 ribu, barulah aku insaf."

"Semasa Mawi masih bertanding di AF dahulu, aku selalu AFUNDI dia sampai habis beratus-ratus ringgit semata-mata untuk dia menang. Sekarang, harta dia dah berjuta-juta ringgit, ada kereta besar, rumah besar, majlis kahwin pon besar, tapi aku tak dapat apa-apa pun. Aku telah menginsafi perbuatan aku."

Hah, begitulah penggunaan perkataan 'insaf' dalam Bahasa Melayu baku. Tetapi kan, adakah kalian mengetahui akan asal-usul perkataan 'insaf'? Hah, tu diam dan terpinga-pinga tu memang konfem lah tak tau kan?

*****

Adalah cerita sekitar 1940 di sebuah madrasah yang masyhur di mana 3 pelajar terbaik sedang menuntut ilmu agama. Mereka adalah Atan, Ali, dan Abdul. Pada suatu hari, Tok Guru mereka memberi sebuah tugasan yang terakhir sebelum melepaskan mereka.

"Tugasan yang terakhir ini akan membuktikan ketabahan dan kecekalan kamu semua dalam mencari ilmu pengetahuan," kata si Tok Guru. "Saya hendak setiap seorang dari kamu membuat penyelidikan mengenai erti kata 'insaf' dan asal-usul sebenar perkataan tersebut. Tempoh tugasan ini hanyalah seminggu sahaja."

Jadi, selama satu minggu, ketiga-tiga pelajar tersebut bertungkus-lumuslah pergi kesana-kemari dan melapah buku-buku di perpustakaan dan kedai buku. Erti kata insaf semua orang tahu, tetapi yang peliknya tiada mana-mana unsur yang mengetahui akan asal-usul perkataan tersebut. Tetapi mereka tetap memperhebatkan kajian mereka, dan seminggu kemudian tibalah masanya untuk mereka mempersembahkan hasil kajian mereka di depan Tok Guru.

"Hah, Atan, kamu boleh mula dahulu," kata Tok Guru.

"Baiklah," jawab Atan. "Berdasarkan kajian saya, insaf bermaksud 'menyesali perbuatan kita yang salah'. Mengenai asal-usulnya, saya telah menjumpai sepatah perkataan yang hampir sama bunyinya di dalam tulisan Sanskrit yang berasal dari kerajaan Srivijaya pada kurun ke-13." Atan kemudian menunjukkan sebuah tablet batu yang terukir beberapa tulisan Sanskrit bersertakan perkataan yang dimaksudkan itu.

"Hmm, mungkin ada kebenaran dalam kajian kamu itu," kata Tok Guru. "Ali, kini giliran kamu pula."

"Ya, Tok Guru," kata Ali. "Mengikut kajian saya, 'insaf' bermaksud 'mengetahui dan mengakui akan kesilapan diri sendiri'. Saya telah menjumpai sebuah perkataan yang hampir sama bunyi dan maknanya dalam segulung papyrus yang berasal dari Tanah Arab dan berumur hampir 750 Masihi." Ali kemudian menghulurkan segulung papyrus itu kepada Tok Guru, dan dia pun meneliti tulisan Arab di dalam.

"Kemungkinan besarnya itulah," kata Tok Guru. "Hah, Abdul, sudah tiba masa kamu untuk membentangkan hasil kajian kamu."

"Iya, Tok Guru," kata Abdul. "Setelah seminggu membuat kajian, saya mendapat tahu bahawa 'insaf' itu sebenarnya bermaksud 'menyerah diri (kepada Tuhan) setelah melakukan kejahatan', dan perkataan tersebut berasal dari Bahasa Inggeris!"

Tok Guru terkejut setelah mendengar penjelasan si Abdul. "Bahasa Inggeris? Kamu biar betul Abdul. Takkanlah perkataan yang mulia seperti 'insaf' datang dari kultur barat yang kafir itu."

Dua pelajar yang lain dengan cepat mengeluarkan kamus Oxford untuk menyemak kebenaran Abdul. "Kamu janganlah menipu kami Abdul. Tiada dalam kamus ini satu perkataan pun yang bunyi dan ertinya sama dengan 'insaf'. Malahan, mereka mempunyai perkataan mereka sendiri, iaitu 'repent'!"

"Sabar, pelajar-pelajar sekalian," kat Tok Guru. "Abdul, adakah kamu apa-apa bukti untuk menyokong jawapan kamu?"

"Mestilah ada," kata Abdul. Lantas dia mengeluarkan sebuah pita video dari beg galasnya. "Mari kita kita tonton video ini bersama-sama."

Mereka pun berkumpul di bilik video, dan Abdul memasukkan pita video tersebut kedalam slot VCR. Terpaparlah di skrin tajuk "TALES OF THE WILD, WILD WEST."

"Ish kamu ni Abdul," kata Tok Guru, "kamu nak kami tonton cerita koboi apa fasal?"

"Cis," kata Ali dan Atan, "buang masa sahaja kita menonton filem kafir laknat ini."

"Kamu semua mintalah bersabar sedikit," kata Abdul sambil mem-fast-forward-kan video tersebut ke satu babak dalam filem tersebut.

Babak itu memaparkan sebuah perkampungan koboi di mana penduduknya sedang menjalani kehidupan seperti biasa apabila segerombolan pencuri dan algojo datang dengan menaiki kuda dengan tujuan untuk menyamun perkampungan itu. Mereka menembak pistol-pistol mereka ke udara untuk menakut-nakutkan penduduk perkampungan tersebut. Tiba-tiba, terdengar sebuah letupan yang lebih kuat dari pistol-pistol mereka, dan salah seorang penjahat dalam gerombolan itu jatuh ke tanah dengan dadanya berlumuran darah akibat ditembak.

Rupanya-rupanya Sheriff dan konco-konconya telah tiba berbekalkan senapang gajah. Selepas melihat penjahat-penjahat terketar-ketar ketakutan, Sheriff tersebut mengarahkan muncung senapang pada kepala ketua gerombolan tersebut lalu meneriak:




HANDS UP! (INSAF!)




Lantas gerombolan tersebut menjatuhkan pistol-pistol mereka dan mengangkat tangan mereka di atas kepala sebagai tanda menyerah diri selepas melakukan kejahatan.

TAMAT



PENGAJARAN: Janganlah kita tunggu sampai dah mati baru nak insaf. Kalau dah mati, macam mana nak angkat tangan, yer tak?


FALSE ALARM OF SEX PARTY IN POLICE RAID


KUALA LUMPUR - Police raided an apartment unit at Damansara 10pm yesterday when their sources informed them of a sex party that was allegedly taking place, only to find out that they have busted the wrong apartment unit.

“The place was quiet when we arrived,” said Lieutenant Sri Ahmad bin Whatafak, “and I started getting suspicious, because most sex parties are loud and bright. At first I thought this was a new sex party theme where the kids would have pre-marital sex quietly and in the dark, but I was soon proven wrong.”

The police opted for the element of surprise and approached the apartment unit quietly. Without even knocking on the door, the police broke it down and rushed in, only to find five men. According to the lieutenant, “They panicked like hell when they saw us coming in. One of them was holding a crowbar and a flashlight, two of them were lifting a 25-inch plasma TV until they dropped it at the sight of us, another was next to a cupboard taking out precious trinkets and putting them in a large sack, and the last one was hastily making his way out through the window.”

“It’s quite obvious that this wasn’t a sex party,” said Corporal Khairul Nazri bin Dumshiat. “Sex parties usually involve varsity teens getting drunk and naked having godless orgies. The five adult men that we found not only wore full dark attire, they also wore face-concealing masks; two of them were wearing ski masks, while the others just improvised by using T-shirts to wrap around their heads. Besides, there were no girls around. How can anyone have a sex party without any girls?”

“It was either a false alarm, or we got the wrong house,” said Khairul. “Absolutely no sex party was happening there.”

Realizing their mistake, the police quickly apologized to the men, who for some odd reason were holding their hands high in the air and staring at the policemen with abject terror. According to Khairul, one of them even dropped down to his knees in front of him and repeatedly cried out ‘ampun pak, ampun’ until he burst into tears.
“Yeah, they were sort of a weird bunch, with the dark clothes and masks and acting suspicious and all that,” said Sri Ahmad, “but they weren’t participating in some lewd and shameful sex party, so everything’s okay.”

The corporal further explained, “We then explained to them about our mix-up, that we’ve mistakenly thought that they were committing the crime of flesh. They were rather confused at first, but after realizing what was happening, they started to laugh out loud and talked amongst themselves in an unknown Malay dialect, with words like ‘polisi’ and ‘goblok’. Even the kneeling guy was now rolling all over the floor laughing his heart out. It was totally weird.”
According to the police, once the men calmed down, they explained that they were just moving their relative’s furniture and other belongings to a new apartment, and the reason for the darkness was because of a faulty fuse. “That still doesn’t explain why the window grill was sawed off and the pane broken, but hey, at least their not spending their night sinning in some damnable cum fiesta.”

Before the police departed from the apartment, the law enforcers gave an example of good will by helping the five mysterious men load all the apartment’s stuff into a big black truck parked outside as a way to make amends for the little screw up. “They’re really nice guys once you get to know them,” said the corporal. “We helped them move the plasma TV, the entire home theater system, two PCs, the sofa set, the entire safe box that they drilled and yanked out of the wall, a collection of expensive-looking vases, roles of carpeting, about a dozen sacks containing valuables such jewelry, ornaments, DVDs and what have you. They practically picked the whole place clean.”

Police waved goodbye at the men as they drove off, and they laughed and waved back using an obscure hand gesture of forming a fist and sticking out the middle finger. “As the truck pulled into the main road, we noticed that the truck was missing the license plate,” said the Khairul, “but road regulations are really out of our jurisdiction. Besides, it’s not really a big deal compared to the evilness of sex with multiple partners.”

When asked about how the mix-up happened, Nur Haliza, the operator for the Damansara Police Department emergency line, said, “We received a call saying that there was an ongoing ‘burglary’ at the apartment. We have no idea what a ‘burglary’ is, so we just assumed it was another code word for ‘sex party’.”

None of the five men were identified as famous celebrities.

- BERNAMA

Two Friends and a Bear


Two friends were walking along a path through the woods one day when they suddenly stumbled upon a grizzly bear.

“Run!” shouted one friend as he turned around and flee. The other friend quickly followed behind, and when he looked back, he saw the bear was already approaching fast towards them.

“The bear is coming for us!” shouted the friend at the back. “We’ll never be able to outrun it. Quick, find a tree to climb!”

The friend at the front heard him, ran towards the nearest tree and quickly climbed up 15 feet and rested on a strong bough. The other friend, however, was half way up a tree when he slipped and fell to ground on his back. He wanted to get up, but it was too late; the bear was already over him, sniffing his face.

The friend in the tree saw his troubled friend. “Stay still and play dead,” he shouted from atop the tree, “I heard bears don’t maul you when they think you’re dead.”

The friend on the ground already knew this, and he lay still and held his breath. The bear prodded his body with his paws for about several seconds before his nostrils came to the friend’s ear. The friend on the treetop saw that the bear seemed to be whispering something to the friend on the ground.

After a short moment, the bear left and disappeared into the woods, leaving the friend on the ground unharmed. The friend on the treetop quickly descended and rushed towards his friend, who was slowly getting up while brushing off dirt from his pants.

“I’m very sorry,” said the friend from the tree in an apologizing tone, “I know I shouldn’t have left you on the ground just now. The bear was right; as a friend, I should have come down and helped you anyways.”

“What do you mean?” said the other friend, puzzled.

“The bear,” said the other friend, “I saw it whispered into you ear. I’m guessing it spoke to you about being careful with choosing friends, especially ones who will leave you behind during troubled times, am I right?”

“No, not at all,” said the friend, laughing a bit as he placed an arm on his partner’s shoulder. “That wasn’t what he said at all, and I fully understood what you had to do back then; even if you came down, you’d have been mauled anyway. And I wouldn’t want my friend to be mauled just to save me, now would I?”

“But, if the bear didn’t say what I though it had said, what exactly did he say?”

“Owh, that,” replied the friend, smiling towards his puzzled friend. “The bear said that he was really a vegetarian, and that we shouldn’t have feared him. He whispered this to me because he was afraid other carnivorous bears nearby might hear and make fun of him.”

The other friend was speechless.

“Owh and one more thing,” continued the smiling friend, “the bear also said that, contrary to popular belief, the playing-possum trick doesn’t work against bears, because they’re generally too smart to fall for it.”

THE END

MAS to Use Hyperspace Technology


KUALA LUMPUR - In order to achieve the targeted nett profit of RM880 million at the end of the year, Malaysian Air System Bhd. plans on installing hyperspace technology on all of their commercial jet airliners. With this newfound technology, passengers can fly from Malaysia to London in just 8 seconds instead of 8 hours.

“I feel that ‘fly’ isn’t exactly the correct term for it,” said Tan Sri Muhamad Munir Abdul Majid, chairman of Malaysia Airlines. “You see, by applying recently discovered laws in quantum physics, we can actually connect two points in the space-time continuum through a worm tunnel by folding reality itself, or at least that’s how I understood it when the technicians explained to me while they were installing hyperspace cores inside our Boeing 747s. My point is, it’s more like ‘alternate-reality shift’ instead of ‘fly’.

Furthermore, he added that passengers will not only be able to travel from one destination to another, they will be able to choose at which point in the time stream they will be arriving. For instance, a man in Johore Bahru who inadvertently missed an important meeting in Japan a day ago can be scheduled to arrive at the Tokyo International Airport safely within two hours before the meeting even started.

“The possibilities are endless,” expressed the chairman as he made a gesture of holding his palms close before pulling them apart from each other to represent endless possibilities.

Despite all the new and enticing services that will be available through the use of hyperspace technology, some questioned if such a technology is stable enough to be used commercially.

“Modern-day reality-altering technologies are too risky and unpredictable,” commented Dr. Cha Os Theo Ry, a respected professor from NASA. “One moment the hole takes you to your scheduled destination at LAX, and another moment it transports you to a parallel dimension inhabited by cosmic space beasts.”

Dr. Cha then explained an incident that happened more than two decades ago involving early experiments in hyperspace technology. “There was once a privately-funded top secret project that operated in a top-secret lab on a remote island, and they were conducting tests on opening portals by violently tearing the very fabric of reality. The project went for weeks until one day the entire island – and by ‘entire island’, I mean the whole land mass – disappeared from the face of the earth, just like that.

When asked about the possible destination of the hyperspace lab after it phased out of existence, Dr. Cha said that the last distress signal that was sent from that place contained distorted cries of human suffering mixed with creepy howling noises that turned out to be hidden satanic verses when the recording was played backwards.

“I’ve got a bad feeling about this,” said Dr. Cha, “but as usual, Malaysia Boleh!”

-BERNAMA

Balasubramaniam Retracts All Statements Against Murder Case, Says “It Was All Just a Big Stupid Mistake”


KUALA LUMPUR - P. Balasubramaniam, a private investigator who had actively made statements in the past about Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak’s alleged involvement with the murder of Mongolian woman Altantuya Shaariibuu, shocked everyone yesterday when he retracted all of his statements against Najib, member of the nation’s think tanks and a powerful member of the Royal Family, saying that ‘it was all just a big stupid mistake on my part, my stupid, stupid god-awful mistake.’

“I wish to retract the entire contents of my statutory declaration dated July 1 2008,” said Balasubramaniam with an unnaturally throaty voice, which probably had nothing to do with his larynx having been crushed by a boot pressing down against his neck. “I…uh…had way too much Heineken that day and I…uh…I think my head bumped against…something, leading me to declare wild accusations against the great and infallible highness, Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak.”

Balasubramaniam, who came to the conference in a shirt that didn’t quite hide the mysterious bruise marks on various parts of his body, was represented by his lawyer, M. Arulampalam. Arulampalam told the reporters that in no way was he physically pressured and harassed by unknown groups to turn his statements around, and that he retracted his statements of his own free will.

“My client is a reasonable and honest man who would never tell a single lie at all,” said M. Arulampalam while holding Balasubramaniam from keeling over, very unlikely due to a dislodged kidney or a fractured rib as a result of blunt-force-trauma from a metallic weapon such as a wrench or a crowbar. “He knew he had made a mistake of accusing The Great Najib of such heinous crimes, and now he is very, very, very sorry that he did that. Please have mercy on him.”

When questioned about the various bruises and deep cuts on his body along with his disjointed left leg, Balasubramaniam seemed to pretend that the injuries didn’t exist at first, saying “Wounds? What wounds?” When reporters pointed out the iron-shaped burn marks on his arm, Balasubramaniam said, “Ooooooh, that wound. Well, I…I…my wife hit me. And then I fell down the stairs. And my arm landed on a lit cigarette on the ground. Yup, that’ it, a lit cigarette.”

Despite Balasubramaniam’s claim, certain parties felt that there are darker, insidious forces at work behind Balasubramaniam’s decision to retract his statements, which is ludicrous because everyone knows how Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak is such a fine example of a nice man who wouldn’t even hurt a fly.

“As I am familiar with the character of Balasubramaniam, having spent hours with him recording his statement, I am very skeptical that he has signed the second statutory declaration of his own free will,” said Americk Singh Sidu, his former lawyer who also happened to be Captain Obvious. “I am convinced he has been intimidated to do so by either threats or promises, as I can think of no other reason.”

M. Arulampalam stayed throughout the conference and answered further questions while Balasubramaniam left in his car, which was dented and scratched in all places with a hole about the size of a brick in the windshield. The car then blew up into a million pieces, with Balasubramaniam in it, obviously due to a faulty gas tank instead of a bomb planted on the underside of the car.

“THAT is, of course, a coincidental accident and has absolutely no connection at all with the murder trial,” explained M. Arulampalam about the unexpected car explosion.

- BERNAMA