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Two friends were walking along a path through the woods one day when they suddenly stumbled upon a grizzly bear.
“Run!” shouted one friend as he turned around and flee. The other friend quickly followed behind, and when he looked back, he saw the bear was already approaching fast towards them.
“The bear is coming for us!” shouted the friend at the back. “We’ll never be able to outrun it. Quick, find a tree to climb!”
The friend at the front heard him, ran towards the nearest tree and quickly climbed up 15 feet and rested on a strong bough. The other friend, however, was half way up a tree when he slipped and fell to ground on his back. He wanted to get up, but it was too late; the bear was already over him, sniffing his face.
The friend in the tree saw his troubled friend. “Stay still and play dead,” he shouted from atop the tree, “I heard bears don’t maul you when they think you’re dead.”
The friend on the ground already knew this, and he lay still and held his breath. The bear prodded his body with his paws for about several seconds before his nostrils came to the friend’s ear. The friend on the treetop saw that the bear seemed to be whispering something to the friend on the ground.
After a short moment, the bear left and disappeared into the woods, leaving the friend on the ground unharmed. The friend on the treetop quickly descended and rushed towards his friend, who was slowly getting up while brushing off dirt from his pants.
“I’m very sorry,” said the friend from the tree in an apologizing tone, “I know I shouldn’t have left you on the ground just now. The bear was right; as a friend, I should have come down and helped you anyways.”
“What do you mean?” said the other friend, puzzled.
“The bear,” said the other friend, “I saw it whispered into you ear. I’m guessing it spoke to you about being careful with choosing friends, especially ones who will leave you behind during troubled times, am I right?”
“No, not at all,” said the friend, laughing a bit as he placed an arm on his partner’s shoulder. “That wasn’t what he said at all, and I fully understood what you had to do back then; even if you came down, you’d have been mauled anyway. And I wouldn’t want my friend to be mauled just to save me, now would I?”
“But, if the bear didn’t say what I though it had said, what exactly did he say?”
“Owh, that,” replied the friend, smiling towards his puzzled friend. “The bear said that he was really a vegetarian, and that we shouldn’t have feared him. He whispered this to me because he was afraid other carnivorous bears nearby might hear and make fun of him.”
The other friend was speechless.
“Owh and one more thing,” continued the smiling friend, “the bear also said that, contrary to popular belief, the playing-possum trick doesn’t work against bears, because they’re generally too smart to fall for it.”
THE END
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KUALA LUMPUR - In order to achieve the targeted nett profit of RM880 million at the end of the year, Malaysian Air System Bhd. plans on installing hyperspace technology on all of their commercial jet airliners. With this newfound technology, passengers can fly from Malaysia to London in just 8 seconds instead of 8 hours.
“I feel that ‘fly’ isn’t exactly the correct term for it,” said Tan Sri Muhamad Munir Abdul Majid, chairman of Malaysia Airlines. “You see, by applying recently discovered laws in quantum physics, we can actually connect two points in the space-time continuum through a worm tunnel by folding reality itself, or at least that’s how I understood it when the technicians explained to me while they were installing hyperspace cores inside our Boeing 747s. My point is, it’s more like ‘alternate-reality shift’ instead of ‘fly’.
Furthermore, he added that passengers will not only be able to travel from one destination to another, they will be able to choose at which point in the time stream they will be arriving. For instance, a man in Johore Bahru who inadvertently missed an important meeting in Japan a day ago can be scheduled to arrive at the Tokyo International Airport safely within two hours before the meeting even started.
“The possibilities are endless,” expressed the chairman as he made a gesture of holding his palms close before pulling them apart from each other to represent endless possibilities.
Despite all the new and enticing services that will be available through the use of hyperspace technology, some questioned if such a technology is stable enough to be used commercially.
“Modern-day reality-altering technologies are too risky and unpredictable,” commented Dr. Cha Os Theo Ry, a respected professor from NASA. “One moment the hole takes you to your scheduled destination at LAX, and another moment it transports you to a parallel dimension inhabited by cosmic space beasts.”
Dr. Cha then explained an incident that happened more than two decades ago involving early experiments in hyperspace technology. “There was once a privately-funded top secret project that operated in a top-secret lab on a remote island, and they were conducting tests on opening portals by violently tearing the very fabric of reality. The project went for weeks until one day the entire island – and by ‘entire island’, I mean the whole land mass – disappeared from the face of the earth, just like that.
When asked about the possible destination of the hyperspace lab after it phased out of existence, Dr. Cha said that the last distress signal that was sent from that place contained distorted cries of human suffering mixed with creepy howling noises that turned out to be hidden satanic verses when the recording was played backwards.
“I’ve got a bad feeling about this,” said Dr. Cha, “but as usual, Malaysia Boleh!”
-BERNAMA
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KUALA LUMPUR - P. Balasubramaniam, a private investigator who had actively made statements in the past about Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak’s alleged involvement with the murder of Mongolian woman Altantuya Shaariibuu, shocked everyone yesterday when he retracted all of his statements against Najib, member of the nation’s think tanks and a powerful member of the Royal Family, saying that ‘it was all just a big stupid mistake on my part, my stupid, stupid god-awful mistake.’
“I wish to retract the entire contents of my statutory declaration dated July 1 2008,” said Balasubramaniam with an unnaturally throaty voice, which probably had nothing to do with his larynx having been crushed by a boot pressing down against his neck. “I…uh…had way too much Heineken that day and I…uh…I think my head bumped against…something, leading me to declare wild accusations against the great and infallible highness, Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak.”
Balasubramaniam, who came to the conference in a shirt that didn’t quite hide the mysterious bruise marks on various parts of his body, was represented by his lawyer, M. Arulampalam. Arulampalam told the reporters that in no way was he physically pressured and harassed by unknown groups to turn his statements around, and that he retracted his statements of his own free will.
“My client is a reasonable and honest man who would never tell a single lie at all,” said M. Arulampalam while holding Balasubramaniam from keeling over, very unlikely due to a dislodged kidney or a fractured rib as a result of blunt-force-trauma from a metallic weapon such as a wrench or a crowbar. “He knew he had made a mistake of accusing The Great Najib of such heinous crimes, and now he is very, very, very sorry that he did that. Please have mercy on him.”
When questioned about the various bruises and deep cuts on his body along with his disjointed left leg, Balasubramaniam seemed to pretend that the injuries didn’t exist at first, saying “Wounds? What wounds?” When reporters pointed out the iron-shaped burn marks on his arm, Balasubramaniam said, “Ooooooh, that wound. Well, I…I…my wife hit me. And then I fell down the stairs. And my arm landed on a lit cigarette on the ground. Yup, that’ it, a lit cigarette.”
Despite Balasubramaniam’s claim, certain parties felt that there are darker, insidious forces at work behind Balasubramaniam’s decision to retract his statements, which is ludicrous because everyone knows how Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak is such a fine example of a nice man who wouldn’t even hurt a fly.
“As I am familiar with the character of Balasubramaniam, having spent hours with him recording his statement, I am very skeptical that he has signed the second statutory declaration of his own free will,” said Americk Singh Sidu, his former lawyer who also happened to be Captain Obvious. “I am convinced he has been intimidated to do so by either threats or promises, as I can think of no other reason.”
M. Arulampalam stayed throughout the conference and answered further questions while Balasubramaniam left in his car, which was dented and scratched in all places with a hole about the size of a brick in the windshield. The car then blew up into a million pieces, with Balasubramaniam in it, obviously due to a faulty gas tank instead of a bomb planted on the underside of the car.
“THAT is, of course, a coincidental accident and has absolutely no connection at all with the murder trial,” explained M. Arulampalam about the unexpected car explosion.
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